As I wait for your 1:30 pm appt today the anxiety I feel is growing. Growing--it's about to implode.
Every nerve ending is raw...every breath I take...shallow. Who knew those child birth breathing classes I took so long ago would be revisited this day.
The urgency I feel is desperate. Every thought is filtered through a lens of panic.
How do I do what I have committed to do?
Oh--I've made my solemn promise, for it's what a mother does. Still, the promise must have some strength behind it--I'm searching for that strength.
This appointment is monumental--thank you for making it.
As I prepare to support you and not micr0-manage you, I don't even know what to wear! It seems I have no doubts when I am in charge--when I am not--I flounder.
I want to dress appropriately--I want to dress to represent the desperate need for this to work.
Where will I sit? Is there a corner where I can sit invisibly until the time is right to say JUST the right thing to support...not demand.
There's that control thing again son....I have more yielding to do.
I want to speak words that will be heard clearly--cannot be misunderstood or manipulated. But even that desire is a need to control the outcome. It feels so strange to DO the work of yielding...for the risk is so great.
I have more yielding to do son.
My heart aches as I lose a connection with you--an unhealthy one for sure--but a heartstring connection. As the years have gone by, we have settled into a unhealthy rhythym of interactions. Interactions that kept us connected--even though unhealthy. Today, I must DO things differently and experience yet another loss. But I now understand that those unhealthy connections are not lasting connections--for they only cause further collateral damage. You resent me, I try harder. The harder I try to control, the more resentment. I just want to be your Mom...not your jailer. I just want to be your Mom, not your Dictator. I just want to be your Mom.
So I will DO what I've committed to DO. No matter how hard or unfamiliar it will feel. I have lived long enough to understand--resistance to change is not reason enough to NOT change.
I'll be taking my anxiety to my watchtower....the greatest of my anxiety? That this appointment will not bring about what I so desire. Yes, son, your Mom is struggling to let you go....it's what a Mom does. And yet, I will do this so that you can return to me as the young man I know you can be. I will do this because I know that God is in control...and desires that you will one day discover His purpose for your life.....for all of the pain....for all of the struggle....for all of His glory.
If I am struggling this morning, I can only imagine what you are feeling. You are at the precipice of a major shift son and you are no doubt feeling greater anxiety than even your Mom. I will pray for you as I go to my watchtower this morning--I will pray for us both--for the strength to DO what is so hard.
I love you.