You are my gift; you are my son.
Yet (how that three letter word speaks volumes), you are an adult--you are responsible for your own decisions, behaviors, actions--your own life.
For many years, I couldn't separate where a Mother's responsibilities ended and yours began.
For many years, I struggled to change....what was only yours to change.
Today, as we face yet another firey explosion of shock and awe...I remind myself of my role in your life. I don't want to get in the way as I once did--micro-managing your life to the point of resentment, advocating to the point of mutual exhaustion and softening the blow of the consequences that prevented you the opportunity to learn from the pain.
It's not easy son; it's nearly impossible. Your recent actions have stunned us; they are violations of the heart that your Dad and I never imagined possible. The details are not important--that you have done them is what matters. The reasons don't matter for they are part of the problem. It is a cycle of justification that will take us nowhere. I will not ask.
Because you are my son, I will walk behind you as you choose to seek help. I will no longer lead the way and drag you with me--thinking you are making progress.
Because I love you, I will pray for you as you choose which direction you will take for your future. I will no longer define your future--thinking that moves you towards it.
Because you are my son, I will respect your right to make a decision different from my own. I will no longer cross your personal boundaries and demand that you choose my way.
Because I love you, I will support you when you asked. I will no longer press up against you and nudge you each step of the way...I will joyfully follow your lead towards restoration.
Because you are my son, I will always be here for you when you need me. I am your mother son--it's what mother's do! But I will no longer wait for that little boy of my Kodak moments, I will wait for the man you will one day become.
Because I love you, I will be your loudest cheerleader! I will no longer do for you, those things you can do for yourself. For I have discovered when I have done this in the past, I have subconsciously told you, I didn't think you could do it. I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS MY SON, YES! I KNOW!
Because you are my son, I promise to do what seems impossible. You deserve this son...you deserve to discover your path and share it with whomever you invite. I want an invite--oh yes I do--but I now understand it is your choice--not a familial obligation.
This is my solemn promise to you my son--one that is at risk of being broken--by my mother's heart. I may need more time to convince my heart what my head already knows--this is your life..not mine. I will be joyful for your successes and will grieve for your losses, but I will no longer swoop in and try to fix or enhance or advocate or.....or.....or.....or!
While you are navigating your journey towards restoration, I will be charting my own path that will prepare me for your return. I will become stronger and I will remove the remnants of those stumbling blocks that have gotten in our way before. It's what Mom's do son! You are my gift, my beloved son, I want to cherish that gift--not tarnish it.
I will yield you to your Creator...the Giver of all blessings. In His wisdom, my son, he brought you to me; I want to follow His will for the plans He has for all the days of your life--not my will. For He created you, He chose you for me. It will be my unending prayer as I await--all the days of my life if I must--that you will chose His will for your life and walk towards the purpose He has designed for this moment...and each moment of your life. May you discover what I have discovered, when we give our pain to God...He is faithful to bring glory!
You will not be alone my son; look for me, I will be nearby cheering you on as I stand on the watchtower of prayer....surrendering you again and again. It's what a Mom does!