Hope in the face of loss

In September, 2001, Christian songwriter/singer, Tammy Trent and her husband, Trent Lenderlink, headed to Jamaica on a mission trip. On their only day off, 9/10, Trent, an experienced diver decided to free-dive in the idyllic waters of the Caribbean and waved to Tammy, as was their tradition, before his dissent. He never resurfaced. Tragically, his body was found the next day, 9/11/01 and Tammy faced an unthinkable loss alone in a foreign country for no family was able to get to her because all airplanes had been grounded due to the national crisis of 9/11/2001.

Loss, unimaginable loss.

Tammy writes in Beyond the Sorrow: There's Hope in the Promises of God, "When I first lost my husband, it seemed impossible to even breath. Shock, then sadness, and sometimes fear, literally took my breath away."

Loss, paralyzing loss.

Parents who love an adult child who is making choices, unthinkable, unimaginable choices due to drug/alcohol addictions, mental health disorders, or distorted entitlement beliefs, we can identify with shock, sadness, and fear that takes our breath away. We hold our breath hoping against hope that something we do will make the crisis stop. As time passes, we continue to make decisions from that place of weakness, desperate hopelessness and helplessness. Is it really possible to find hope in the face of loss?

Tammy Trent says YES!

In her new release, Learning To Breathe Again: Choosing Life and Finding Hope After a Shattering Loss, Tammy writes:

"I didn't know which way to turn [...] But now I believe Trent's destiny helped change my heart and show me that I have it within me to give God something greater. That's what I'm doing now, rejuvenating my music and sharing my testimony with audiences around the country, including the awesome Women of Faith conferences. I want to pay tribute to Trent and also show others, by his example, how they can become more thoughtful husbands and wives, more fun to be with, and how they can bring devotion to God into everything they do. I want them to understand, as I do now, that even when God doesn't appear to be using us for his purposes, when we make ourselves available to him, he's using us!"

As I interviewed Tammy Trent this week on the Setting Boundaries and Finding SANITY Blog Talk Radio Program, I was pinch-me-I'm-so-blessed as I listened to Tammy inspire! Oh--I have read Tammy's books and many of her songs are marked "played most often" on my iPod; I know Tammy Trent's ministry message. But as Tammy spoke to us during this power-packed 15 minute interview, another dimension was added to my 'research' for this interview: Tammy Trent is personally walking in HOPE and JOY in the face of loss. She is real! HOPE IS POSSIBLE!

Please take time to click on the link above and listen to Tammy's interview. You will be blessed. Tammy Trent SHINES as she shares her life with the world. She has offered her deepest pain to God, she has surrendered impossible circumstances to our God of Impossibles!

Tammy Trent encourages us, no inspires us, as we continue to wait for the day that God will bring our prodigals home, that we can walk in hope and joy. Tammy's willingness to share her journey from loss to hope brings 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 to life:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

Doesn't that just make you want to BREATHE again?

NOTE TO SELF.....

I just received a phone call from Global Assets, Inc. They were looking for my adult child.

"Is XXXXXX Viere there?"

Oh no! It's another bill collector

"No, he does not live here."

"Is this his mother?"

Certainly he knows, I am not legally responsible for my adult child's bills!

"Yes, sir, I am his mother."

"What number can I reach him at?"

Be polite, Diane!

"Sir, I do not know what number you can reach him at. May I take you name and number and when I see him next I will give him the message?"

"What kind of mother does not know how to reach her son?"

Really? He's gonna use this approach?

"Sir, your comment is hurtful. To suggest that I am a bad mother because I don't know where YOU can reach him, is offensive."

"Why do you say that?"

I HATE when people act stupid--I mean innocent!

"Sir, you asked, 'what kind of mother?'"

"Yes, and you responded on a recorded phone call, that you did not know what number I could reach him at."

Good, I'm glad the call is recorded, maybe your manager will take note of your horrible approach!

"Your point? Perhaps the point is you should have your Training Program Managers teach a little compassion training!"

There take that!

"Compassion training? Why are you so defensive?"

This boy wants a fight!

"Defensive? You called me and asked to speak to XXXXX Viere. I told he does not live here. I am not responsible for his life. What purpose could there possibly be in bullying his mother?"

Certainly, he is NOT heartless????

"Why! are! you! so! defensive!?"

It's the Tin Man!

And yet, this is where I continued--enabling--it's a hard habit to break. Maybe if I just say the right thing--I will help him understand!

"I told you, you are suggesting that I am a bad mother because I don't know how you can reach my adult child. Haven't you been trained in understanding that sometimes bad things happen to families? I'd be happy to have you join my family counselor and I in a conference call to help you understand?"

"Why would I want to talk with your counselor?"

Someone! Please stop me!

If I can't reach his heart, I will appeal to his logic!

"Because your method of performing your job is offensive...and not very effective. I would think it would behoove you to find a better approach."

"M'am, calm down, I think you should call your counselor now!"

Diane! Wake up! You are engaging in a dysfunctional conversation--find a way out!

"Sir, I think this conversation could have been best avoided if, when I saw on my Caller ID, that you were, yet, another bill collector calling for my ADULT child, I would have ignored the phone call or simply hung up on you. I will be doing so right now. Good-bye."

How did THAT happen!

It is not easy NOT enabling at times like these. I don't like appearing crazy in a means to be sane! The simple truth of the matter is this: I am not responsible for my adult child's choices. And yet, many times, even with the best efforts, I suffer the consequences of his poor choices.

And yet, I began to reframe my thoughts: I really didn't suffer--I had the opportunity to demonstrate strength in truth. And then the phone rang......

"Hello?"

"Why did you hang up on me?"

I can't frickin' believe this! He called back!

Taking the phone from my ear, I read, "Global Assets, Inc."

Visualizing my little yellow post it note: You are engaged in a dysfunctional conversation--get out!

"Sir, I did not hang up on you, I told you why I was saying "Good-bye."

"Well, whatever, will you take my number and have ......"

Interrupting this gem of soul, I was short in my reply, "No, sir, I will not take your number. That would presume that I was willing to engage in consequences that I am not responsible for. Furthermore, since I no longer engage in enabling behaviors or dysfunctional conversations, please note: You have my permission--no, I am demanding, that you and Global Assets remove my home phone number from your files. I do not owe you money, I have not acted irresponsibly. Please do not call me again. Have a nice day. Good-bye!"

Amazing! I am tempted to feel as though I was mean to this young man who DOES, at least, have a job. However, I wasn't mean; if I erred, it was in trying to reason with a thug!

I am writing a new yellow post it and posting it on my cabinet door by the kitchen phone: it reads:

I do not take messages from bill collectors for my adult child--IGNORE, DON"T TRY TO REASON, RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO BE CIVIL.

Even at our best, we lose the battle when you try to reason with insanity!

SANITY IS POSSIBLE!

I do not take messages from bill collectors for my adult child!

I said No, and survived....

Our MIP has been making great progress of late.

He is working, he is calm, he is happy.

I must admit, I like this kind of normal.

And I have been working very hard at not worrying about "when the next shoe will drop" and just appreciating this moment.

Friday, I had an opportunity to practice the S in Allison Bottke's SANITY: Six steps to hope and healing. STOP enabling. Friday, I was given the opportunity to say no--and stick to our boundaries as have been long established--but frequently broken--by me.

Our MIP called me (casually) on Friday. I was at lunch with a friend.

"Hi Mom, what 'cha doin'?"

I'm having lunch with a friend, son; are you hungry; here I sit stuffing my face and my own son probably hasn't eaten for days? How can I help you son?

"Having lunch with a friend, son--how are you?"

"I'm doin' great, Mom. Just wondering if you would do me a favor?"

Favor? My heart begins to race--the other shoe has dropped.

"What's up son? What 'cha thinkin?"

"I get my pay check tomorrow, but it's gonna snow tonight and I was hoping you could borrow me some money so I can get some winter gear. It get's cold delivering pizzas. I'll pay you back tomorrow when I get my pay check."

Cold, my son needs warm clothes. I should encourage him. Yes, I can do this. It's only 24 hours. I want to encourage his new job. I don't want him to quit because his hands or ears are cold in this Minnesota winter. I really should do this.

"NO son; these items are part of your budget. We don't want to step back into advancing money--you are doing so well, we don't want to go back to the way it was. We are so proud of how well you are handling things."

My throat is tight as I finish the words. My son is working in the cold....he has a job for crying out loud in the night. Here you are having lunch with a friend--not really a necessity. And yet, you expect your son to freeze tonight while working....what kind of mother are you?

His words shook me from my self-doubt.

"O.K., no problem. Thanks Mom. It feels good to be doing this on my own."

Wait--what happened to the guilt by manipulation? What happened to the rage? No hang up in disgust?

I think it is time that I grow up....after all, my Miracle In Progress is doing a great job of growing up.

I said NO and lived to tell about it.

The heart racing, the distorted thinking, the restriction of my vocal chords....all in vain--unless, of course, they burned a few calories! ;)

I said NO and we both survived. What have I been so afraid of?