Saturday, January 01, 2011

Change...it is a-comin!

You've heard the cliches--Change is a process--Change is hard--Time changes things--Change is inevitable--Change! Change! Change!

Why don't we ever hear spoken the real truth of the matter: Change causes pain?!?!?

Late last night, I found myself in a conversation whereby I chose to speak the words out loud; words of a loss so great that I had previously remained mute on the matter. It seemed to prevent the reality of it all from breaking through.

Isn't this just how suffering in silence begins? "Maybe, just maybe if I don't speak of it, it will just go away. Maybe, if I never say the words, it will not be real."

I know better and yet, I had not been intentionally speaking the painful truth out loud.
Somehow, it was easier to compartmentalize the pain--to put it away to celebrate the Holidays, to join the reunions of happy people and families, to go on with life. And yet, whenever we silence our pain, it quietly brews and soon boils over into full blown toxicity: self-loathing, self-denial, shame, hopelessness....

Furthermore, when we keep our pain hidden, we are not fully surrendering everything to God--are we? So when offered the chance to answer honestly last night...I risked change...and did. As I spoke the words out loud, I felt a rush of heartbreak all over again. Deeper this time, for now it was real. Naked and exposed, my weakness revealed, I began to look for the strength I so desperately sought to maintain. Strength? I felt broken!

I set the timer and I mourned the loss of my treasure. I cried and I paced. I grabbed my journal...and threw it to the ground (then I joined it on the bedroom floor). I was paralyzed to do more than set the timer and....cry. Change causes pain. Not having the energy to do more than sit in my grief (and because the timer had not yet gone off) I continued to follow the first of only two rules: While the timer is on....you must do nothing until it rings.

I did nothing--didn't pick myself up from the puddle of pain. Didn't try to talk myself out of the mess of my brokenness....I just waited.

Soon, very soon (and before the timer buzzed!), my thoughts began to wander to the person I had spoken to and my mind was flooded with...GRATITUDE. Gratitude for the person who lovingly asked and listened. Gratitude that by saying the words out loud, I had emptied the toxicity and made room for some real healing. Gratitude that God always shows up whereEVER we are! Brokenness and gratitude cannot exist equally for more than a nano-second and I began to feel stronger; my healing began as the pieces of my broken heart began to come back together.

When you love a prodigal, partners, we are in a race of endurance. If change is a process we must train well. AND, every good marathon runner has a partner and I am so grateful you are each my partner!

The healing continues as I remember to 'yield the answers to all the questions of my life to God--who created the universe and holds resurrection power--He is more than capable!'

Yes, the cliches of change are many, but the promises of God are unchangeable and eternal. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. He started this race with us and He is with us til the end.

Do you sense another cliche a-comin'? :) Change that up Diane.....not so much a cliche for this is our profound Truth: When we surrender everything to God--CHANGE IS POSSIBLE!

1 comment:

Suzanne Carter said...

I stumbled upon your blog tonight and your words are like a healing balm. Thank you Jesus. I have never felt such intense pain as I do now, it is always with me just below the surface it doesnt take much for it to come raging up again. I am grateful for the comfort of my savior and the words of His body as I wait and pray for my 2 beautiful prodigal daughters who are running hardout away from Him and us right now and even though I trust Him, it hurts.
Blessings and thanks Donna