Saturday, March 28, 2009

Friday's Wrap Up....on Saturday! ;)

Allison Bottke, author of Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents, recently had the pleasure of holding a heart-to-heart conversation with Dr. James Dobson on his daily Focus on the Family radio show. It was an amazing two-part interview that has generated tons of interest in the SANITY Support Group Network.

I would like to share the links to this interview with anyone facing the day to day crisis of dealing with an adult child. Please pass this on to other hurting parents and grandparents who are struggling with the issues of adult children causing chaos in their lives.

Part 1 of 2 - March 23, 2009

Part 2 of 2 - March 24, 2009

You can also order a CD with both part by visiting

If you are interested in starting a SANITY Support Group in your Church or Community, please let me know! The response to Allison's interview with Dr. Dobson has been significant and we have been busy this week communicating with parents in pain who want to share this message of HOPE and HEALING with other hurting parents. We are not alone in this journey!

SANITY IS making a comeback! There IS hope and healing...let's join together and spread the SANITY message!

I am here to help you...don't be shy! Join the other parents who are discovering the freedom that happens when you begin to Set Boundaries with your adult children!

And, don't forget to leave a question for Val; "First Friday's with Val" will be posted on Friday, April 3rd. If you have a question you would like to submit, please leave a comment and I'll be sure to forward it to our guest blogger! She would love to hear from you!

Have a blessed weekend!
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Anonymous said...


I can't get passed the shame I feel that my daughter is addicted to drugs. We did the best we could; she was dedicated as a baby, she grew up in a Christian home, she went to Church every Sunday, attended VBS and Summer camp. She was raised in a nuclear family and our other 3 children are living out our principles.

What happened? Where did we fail?

When we speak to other friends, they offer suggestions that make us feel embarrassed and ashamed. Perhaps if we had just done something differently, she would be on the right track.

We have stopped talking about our daughter's addiction because we feel so ashamed. We feel so alone in this problem and the problem just keeps getting bigger than us each and every day.

She is now 28 years old, lives with her boyfriend (who also uses drugs) and she cannot hold a job. Her future looks grim. We keep looking for just the right answer that will convince her it's time to turn around. The shame we feel has us trapped--with no where to go and no one to talk about this horrible situation.

Any advise?

Ashamed in Minnesota

Valerie said...

Dear Anonymous:
My circumstances are similar to yours, and so I fully understand the anguish which you are feeling. It is important to realize that your daughter's choices are NOT a reflection on you or your parenting. They are her choices, and hers alone. However, if you are enabling her in any way (such as giving her money or doing things for her which she can do for herself), then you are contributing to her not experiencing the full consequences of her choices, and thus she may continue on in her dysfunctional and addictive behaviors. So, the first thing I recommend that you do is stop enabling any harmful behaviors she may be engaged in. As a counselor, it was very difficult for me to take off my blinders to see how I was enabling my daughter. I wasn't enabling her in huge ways, but just in small everyday ordinary ways which then allowed her to NOT grow up. Secondly, get a copy of Allison Bottke's book "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" and read it not once, but many times, as you go through the process of letting go of your precious daughter and yielding it all to God. Thirdly, see if you can find a SANITY support group in your community, or consider starting up one on your own. Knowing other parents who are struggling such as you are is crucial to your mental and emotionl and spiritual well-being. And keep in mind that a person should feel ashamed when they have done something wrong - that is why God invented our consciences. But, when we are feeling shame because of our childrens' actions, then that shame is misplaced. You are not responsible for her actions, period. Let her go, let her accept the consequences of her behavior, and let God fill you with strength and comfort and peace as you yield it all to Him. It sounds so simple, yet it's so difficult. However, you will find that eventually you will feel free from all the emotional upheaval and turmoil this situation has cause you to feel. Good luck, God bless, and keep in touch. Valerie

Sharon Lynne said...

What a great idea this is! I appreciated the mother's honesty, and Val's response. So helpful.

Diane--glad you're feeling better. I'll be praying for your MIP. I hear your heart!