Never, in a million years could I have imagined that we would be boarding an airplane returning home with the painful knowledge that you have left New Seasons, refusing to stay for this exceptional opportunity of treatment. Never, years ago when I pondered how difficult parenting might be, could I have known how indescribably hard it would be to put actions to the words, "letting you go."
For more than a decade, son, we have been fighting for your life with everything we have. It took this time in California to realize that our fighting has not prevented your impending demise. In fact, while our intentions were to impede, prohibit, to stop the destruction we now see that we unintentionally facilitated its inevitability.
Some call this enabling, I call this regret. As I stepped onto the airplane I couldn't help but review the many opportunities we have had before this day to 'let you go,' to surrender our will for your life and respect your right to make decisions (good or bad). Each time I would think, "it is just too hard to cut him off. There's so much more we can do to help him find his way. If we let him go, what will happen to him?" Oh that I could have peered into the future to see how much more difficult each step onto an airplane would truly be.
We needed this experience to equip us. To equip us with the full knowledge that although we have so wanted to wave our magic parental wand....and poof, you'd be better, we now realize that you are the only one with the wand. We cannot force you--you are the only one who can take the steps toward restoration.
I've learned I don't know as much as I thought! I've learned how incredibly difficult it is to wonder where you are sleeping, are you hungry, where you are going? Are you safe in a city you have only known for three days, 2000 miles from home? And yet, I do know this. While you speak of your inability to be 'intitutionalized'--to be committed, I want you to consider this--You have always been 'committed.' From the moment we knew you were conceived, we dedicated your future to the One who created you! At our wedding, you Dad and I committed our marriage to Him, and at your birth, we dedicated you to God. We received you as the gift that you are and gave your life back to God.....to bless.
My son, while I do not know how I can make it through the coming days of not knowing, I want to share with you a song that has been replaying in my head since I got home last night. It is a song that I sang in church as a young girl; then, it did not hold deep meaning. Still, many years later it has great significance for this very moment.
My son, where you are and what you are feeling, I do not know. "But I know Whom I have believed in, and am persuaded that He is able, to keep that which I've committed, unto Him [until] that day." Until the day of your own discovery; that to be committed unto Him affords complete freedom. Freedom to walk in the blessings He has prepared just for you.
I will be praying for you son.....for each step that you take. May you be walking in the direction of our love, God's love....and kept safely in His care.
I love you. Your Mom