Friday, August 03, 2007

Dear Son,

Never, in a million years could I have imagined that we would be boarding an airplane returning home with the painful knowledge that you have left New Seasons, refusing to stay for this exceptional opportunity of treatment. Never, years ago when I pondered how difficult parenting might be, could I have known how indescribably hard it would be to put actions to the words, "letting you go."

For more than a decade, son, we have been fighting for your life with everything we have. It took this time in California to realize that our fighting has not prevented your impending demise. In fact, while our intentions were to impede, prohibit, to stop the destruction we now see that we unintentionally facilitated its inevitability.

Some call this enabling, I call this regret. As I stepped onto the airplane I couldn't help but review the many opportunities we have had before this day to 'let you go,' to surrender our will for your life and respect your right to make decisions (good or bad). Each time I would think, "it is just too hard to cut him off. There's so much more we can do to help him find his way. If we let him go, what will happen to him?" Oh that I could have peered into the future to see how much more difficult each step onto an airplane would truly be.

We needed this experience to equip us. To equip us with the full knowledge that although we have so wanted to wave our magic parental wand....and poof, you'd be better, we now realize that you are the only one with the wand. We cannot force you--you are the only one who can take the steps toward restoration.

I've learned I don't know as much as I thought! I've learned how incredibly difficult it is to wonder where you are sleeping, are you hungry, where you are going? Are you safe in a city you have only known for three days, 2000 miles from home? And yet, I do know this. While you speak of your inability to be 'intitutionalized'--to be committed, I want you to consider this--You have always been 'committed.' From the moment we knew you were conceived, we dedicated your future to the One who created you! At our wedding, you Dad and I committed our marriage to Him, and at your birth, we dedicated you to God. We received you as the gift that you are and gave your life back to God.....to bless.

My son, while I do not know how I can make it through the coming days of not knowing, I want to share with you a song that has been replaying in my head since I got home last night. It is a song that I sang in church as a young girl; then, it did not hold deep meaning. Still, many years later it has great significance for this very moment.

My son, where you are and what you are feeling, I do not know. "But I know Whom I have believed in, and am persuaded that He is able, to keep that which I've committed, unto Him [until] that day." Until the day of your own discovery; that to be committed unto Him affords complete freedom. Freedom to walk in the blessings He has prepared just for you.

I will be praying for you son.....for each step that you take. May you be walking in the direction of our love, God's love....and kept safely in His care.

I love you. Your Mom

10 comments:

Morning Glory said...

My prayers are for you once again as you struggle with this next step. I hope the Lord brings someone across his path who will influence him toward God. I wish I could ease your pain, but I can pray and I will.

Diane J. said...

I am so sorry it has come to this, Diane. I pray now that God would grant you His peace that passeth understanding as you stand as watchman for your son.

Love and hugs,

Diane

GiBee said...

Diane ... I have no words to say, other than I'm praying for you and your family.

Penless Thoughts said...

Words to say to you are inadequate. Prayers aren't!!!
Susan

Linda said...

Diane, I am more sorry than I can ever say. This is such a difficult time. Please don't have regrets. You loved him and did what you thought best. God will do what you cannnot do now.
I am praying for you and your husband. My heart hurts for you. The not knowing is so hard. I pray for his safety. I pray God will do a work in his heart.
There really are no words - just know that you are loved and prayed for. I am so very sorry.

Gretchen said...

My thoughts are with you Diane.
Gretchen Lavender

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

How can I say it any better than those before me.

I pray for you and your husband. I know that this must be so hard. I cannot begin to imagine. You have done the right thing. I wish that we could all be there and lay hands on ya'll and pray. Please know that prayers are being prayed for you and for your son from every corner of the world.

Nadine said...

I'm so sorry that it has come to this, but I will stand in prayer with you that this will not stay like this. I will pray with you that the Lord will bring your son unton Himself and bring healing to his life.

Chris said...

I am so sorry, I will continue to pray for your son and you.

Chris said...

Your blog touches my heart, I am so sorry, this is very difficult I know. I left one comment and felt I needed to leave more.
God is in control and it is hard to surrender your child totally to God, no matter what age or what circumstances, but sometimes it needs to be done ~ and daily. God hears you and he knows your pain. To be in a position as Abraham was put in Gen. 22, when God asked Abraham to sacrafice Isaac ~ is a difficult position to be in. Read my blog, scroll down to 'a little about me'. Being there is hard.