I am sitting at a gate in LAX airport waiting to board my plane home to Minneapolis after spending "Family Day" with you at New Seasons. How we enjoyed our weekend together son!
Arriving on Friday evening I felt a burst of excitement that has not been felt for so long. With an anticipatory joy we entered the courtyard to see you waiting outside with what felt like the same excitement. As your arms engulfed my expectant heart, I felt once again like we were 'home.' My son, I can't explain how I knew, but I felt the presence of the real you, unencumbered by the weight of so many heartbreaks and too-many-to- count hardships. As you threw your arms around us with a welcoming teddy-bear hug, I felt the presence of the little boy we have missed for such a long time.
We had such a nice.....almost surreal weekend with you son. It was so wonderful to hear that you are engaged in the treatment program and are learning so much. It is evident in your body language and your communication with us. The calm of the surroundings has allowed you to "be still"......and you are absorbing so many helpful tools and useful education. Still, I am guarded about my joy because after seeing these glimpses of the real man you are becoming, it is difficult to think that we may lose you again; I'm not sure I could bear such a loss.
How you blessed me on Friday night as we were sitting in the court yard catching up! As we sat late into the cool Pacific summer evening, you must have noticed that I was shivering. Without being asked, you excused yourself for a moment and returned with a jacket from your room...just for me! It was such a simple gesture, yet it spoke volumes.
How you blessed me son as you shared your resolve to change your life at dinner on Saturday evening. As I sat and listened to your open heart, I saw the unexpected tears roll down my grown son's face, but I heard the tears of my little boy as you shared your remorse for making me cry a week earlier. Son, decades of emotions collided with the news of the evening when you announced you would not stay at this place of hope, in spite of knowing that we would have to put our words of surrender into action and leave you behind. The intense grief that overcame me caused a gut wrenching sobbing that could not be controlled...and apparently could be heard as you left our counseling room to go pack your bags. One week later, your tears at the restaurant were silent tears, but I knew that they held the same impact; an emotional response so deep that it could only be life-changing. "Mom," you said, "what kind of son makes his mom's heart break like that? I have to make these changes because I never want to make you cry like that again."
How you blessed my heart as I was stunned into stillness Saturday evening knowing that you are exactly my kind of son! You are compassionate, you are courageous, you are determined, and you are so capable. You are so full of potential that my heart nearly bursts once again, not with sounds of weeping but with tears of joy!
Yes son, many of the steps in this transformation will be painful, yet, each brave step forward ensures that we will no longer experience just fleeting moments of "home," each step will lead you back to your permanent home; safe in our hearts and we in yours. Our tears will not be in vain son.
I love you. Your Mom.