Sunday, August 12, 2007

Dear Son,

I am sitting at a gate in LAX airport waiting to board my plane home to Minneapolis after spending "Family Day" with you at New Seasons. How we enjoyed our weekend together son!

Arriving on Friday evening I felt a burst of excitement that has not been felt for so long. With an anticipatory joy we entered the courtyard to see you waiting outside with what felt like the same excitement. As your arms engulfed my expectant heart, I felt once again like we were 'home.' My son, I can't explain how I knew, but I felt the presence of the real you, unencumbered by the weight of so many heartbreaks and too-many-to- count hardships. As you threw your arms around us with a welcoming teddy-bear hug, I felt the presence of the little boy we have missed for such a long time.

We had such a nice.....almost surreal weekend with you son. It was so wonderful to hear that you are engaged in the treatment program and are learning so much. It is evident in your body language and your communication with us. The calm of the surroundings has allowed you to "be still"......and you are absorbing so many helpful tools and useful education. Still, I am guarded about my joy because after seeing these glimpses of the real man you are becoming, it is difficult to think that we may lose you again; I'm not sure I could bear such a loss.

How you blessed me on Friday night as we were sitting in the court yard catching up! As we sat late into the cool Pacific summer evening, you must have noticed that I was shivering. Without being asked, you excused yourself for a moment and returned with a jacket from your room...just for me! It was such a simple gesture, yet it spoke volumes.

How you blessed me son as you shared your resolve to change your life at dinner on Saturday evening. As I sat and listened to your open heart, I saw the unexpected tears roll down my grown son's face, but I heard the tears of my little boy as you shared your remorse for making me cry a week earlier. Son, decades of emotions collided with the news of the evening when you announced you would not stay at this place of hope, in spite of knowing that we would have to put our words of surrender into action and leave you behind. The intense grief that overcame me caused a gut wrenching sobbing that could not be controlled...and apparently could be heard as you left our counseling room to go pack your bags. One week later, your tears at the restaurant were silent tears, but I knew that they held the same impact; an emotional response so deep that it could only be life-changing. "Mom," you said, "what kind of son makes his mom's heart break like that? I have to make these changes because I never want to make you cry like that again."

How you blessed my heart as I was stunned into stillness Saturday evening knowing that you are exactly my kind of son! You are compassionate, you are courageous, you are determined, and you are so capable. You are so full of potential that my heart nearly bursts once again, not with sounds of weeping but with tears of joy!
Yes son, many of the steps in this transformation will be painful, yet, each brave step forward ensures that we will no longer experience just fleeting moments of "home," each step will lead you back to your permanent home; safe in our hearts and we in yours. Our tears will not be in vain son.
I love you. Your Mom.


Granny B said...

Hold on Sister, God will see you through this----He will see you throught the heart break and every single tear that you cry,
There will be victory on the mountain, just be still and let God do his mighty work.

Dawn said...

I joined in the tears as I read this. I want Kevin to read this one particularly. Beautiful. I know someday Curt will cry again as he reads what you have written to him.

Linda said...

The tears in my eyes are tears of joy for you. What precious moments. We understand that the journey is a difficult one, but we also rejoice in the milestones along the way. God is so good. The work He does is thorough and perfect. I am so happy for all of you. I will continue to pray.What God has begun He will see through to completion.

Lynn said...

Oh Diane... Diane... Diane...

Gut renching pain. I am praying your son takes that vow with him the rest of his life.

I have an adult son who will be 25 this December. I have felt the pain your know just in different ways.... It is sooooo difficult to be a parent to an adult child. To have to stand by and watch as they make mistakes. Know they will not listen. I pray every day for my son and it is our prayers and the astounding love of Jesus who will change and heal us.

Thank you for sharing your heart. I check in on you often and pray for you and your son daily. Love you sister, me

C. H. Green said...

know that you are not far from my thoughts.

Robin said...

I just found your blog. What a blessing your writings are. My son-in-law has a drug problem and you are an inspiration to me.

ktwalden said...

Diane, sharing your testimony of your prodigal has been such a blessing to me! We were at the end of our rope with our prodigal last fall. I stumbled (God lead me) to your blog and immediately my heart quickened as I knew you were sharing something anointed. After checking out the "Setting Boundaries", I knew this was what we had to do. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the first thing in this whole situation that brought true peace in my heart that we were doing the will of God. Things are changing in my prodigals life and I can see the hand of the Lord moving.

Thank you so much for writing from your heart and allowing the Lord to use you to help others. When you have time, please visit my blog for an award I would love to pass on to you.