A Crushing Fall
I have discovered something about myself today. I have learned that when I feel hope for my prodigal, I just don't take baby steps of hope--I go right to the summit of hope. Consequently, when he falters (and it was a big one this time), my fall from that mountaintop is a crushing fall. The wind has been knocked out of me, there is a raging roar swirling inside my head and I am unable to eat because of the waves of nausea that are swelling in my mid-section. Still, there is a quiet peace in my heart. Missing are the heart palpatioins of anxiety or the heart breaking despair of defeat. While I am overwhelmed with sadness about this setback, I am not angry. And, there was reason for anger.
It was just last Thursday that I posted CRASH! I remember the joy of feeling that my "standing in the gap" days might be over. If I had any lingering doubts that day, it was confirmed in red letters today; THEY. ARE. NOT.
Can I be honest with you right now? Watching your adult child destroy his potential and possibly his life--is nearly impossible to do without intervening. Stepping out of the chaos and danger of his choices is easy. Watching the ramifications, however, is difficult. Difficult; the stop-your-breath, room-is-spinning, you-better-sit-down-for-this...kind of difficult. Alone, I could not do it.
Today, I was reminded by the presence of His peace; I am not alone. I have grown while on this journey with my prodigal. It is with great joy I can say with the Apostle Paul: "[I am] hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4: 8-9) ...this treasure [is] in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from [me] (verse 7). And, thank you God, out of your all-surpassing power and presence...comes confidence:
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident. Psalm 27:3
So while our fall today may have been crushing--we are not destroyed; we remain safely in His hands. Lord, I surrender the remaining wait to you, once again.