Wednesday, March 29, 2006

A Crushing Fall

I have discovered something about myself today. I have learned that when I feel hope for my prodigal, I just don't take baby steps of hope--I go right to the summit of hope. Consequently, when he falters (and it was a big one this time), my fall from that mountaintop is a crushing fall. The wind has been knocked out of me, there is a raging roar swirling inside my head and I am unable to eat because of the waves of nausea that are swelling in my mid-section. Still, there is a quiet peace in my heart. Missing are the heart palpatioins of anxiety or the heart breaking despair of defeat. While I am overwhelmed with sadness about this setback, I am not angry. And, there was reason for anger.

It was just last Thursday that I posted CRASH! I remember the joy of feeling that my "standing in the gap" days might be over. If I had any lingering doubts that day, it was confirmed in red letters today; THEY. ARE. NOT.

Can I be honest with you right now? Watching your adult child destroy his potential and possibly his life--is nearly impossible to do without intervening. Stepping out of the chaos and danger of his choices is easy. Watching the ramifications, however, is difficult. Difficult; the stop-your-breath, room-is-spinning, you-better-sit-down-for-this...kind of difficult. Alone, I could not do it.

Today, I was reminded by the presence of His peace; I am not alone. I have grown while on this journey with my prodigal. It is with great joy I can say with the Apostle Paul: "[I am] hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4: 8-9) ...this treasure [is] in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from [me] (verse 7). And, thank you God, out of your all-surpassing power and presence...comes confidence:

Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident. Psalm 27:3

So while our fall today may have been crushing--we are not destroyed; we remain safely in His hands. Lord, I surrender the remaining wait to you, once again.


C. H. Green said...

My dear sister in Christ. We have met for the purpose of upholding one another during these trials. I pray for you and your prodigal today. Through it all, God is still on the throne. He is working. Love, Cindy

Rachel said...

Diane, Will be thinking and praying for you and your family.

Amy said...

Everytime I read your posts I think of the books Prison to Praise and Power in Praise by Merlin R. Carothers.

I thought maybe this time I'd tell you.

Praying for you and your family.

Mrs. Darling said...

Thanks for your encouragement on my child with sensory disorder. Sometimes as a parent you just dont know which way to turn.

And by the way I too had a child prodigal that ran way from home at 17, was raped, shuffled from house to house, eventually married a boy with a long history of problems including drugs. Two years and much abuse later she divorced him. they're baby daughter was just ten months old. Now at 23 she finally seem to have her feet on solid ground. She is engaged to a wonderful man that we all love.

A mothers heart wont break forever. Your time too will come.

Kris said...

glad you commented on my blog...found you! Hits home...mine are still small, but I have prodigals in my life that give me an ache that is far less than that of a mommy's ache. Your experience and thoughts/prayers help me pray for the future of my littles..."The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" Ex 14:14. Keep being still...he never breaks His promises

March St. Ives said...

I, too, understand how hard your prodigal is to understand. There were times I wondered if this was actually MY child. Then I'd look at innocent old childhod photos of him and realize that it actually was. Somewhere inside of your child is that same smily-faced, innocent baby you reared and loved. For some reason some children have to actually "touch the fire" before they will realize that it really is HOT.

Lisa said...

Sometimes I wish my little boy would just grow up already. And then I am reminded by others (and today you) that there's alot that I'm not ready for. I can't imagine how difficult it is to see your adult child make decisions that you feel could hurt him. My chest tightens just thinking about that.

I hope everything turns out ok. I'm thinking of you.

GiBee said...

Oh, how difficult this must be for you...

Father, I cry out to you to come and calm our sister's heart... give her your ever present peace, joy and love. Wrap your arms around her and present her with your assurance, your faithfulness, your comfort... Give her vision of the day that her prodigal son will run into her arms ... let him know how much she loves him... still the whirlwind in his life. In Jesus name, Amen.

Be still and know... HE IS GOD.

Lisa said...

Hi diane,
My heart goes out to you, and although I haven't experienced this pain as deep as you have, I do understand somewhat as a sister of two alcoholic brothers.

You and I have touched on this issue before, and I want you to know that I'm so glad that you are letting God comfort you as your son continues to struggle. We must press on and look for the good!

Sometimes the view in front of us is pretty foggy and dirty, but if we remember to look past the ways of the world into the clearing for God's open arms, God will comfort and show us the way! Very hard to do!

Please hang in there and stay positive!

-Lisa B.

Praying for your Prodigal said...

To each of my blogging partners:

Thank you for your encouragement, your faithful assurances, and your willingness to pray! You have touched my heart in a very special way.


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