Monday, November 17, 2008

I said No, and survived....

Our MIP has been making great progress of late.

He is working, he is calm, he is happy.

I must admit, I like this kind of normal.

And I have been working very hard at not worrying about "when the next shoe will drop" and just appreciating this moment.

Friday, I had an opportunity to practice the S in Allison Bottke's SANITY: Six steps to hope and healing. STOP enabling. Friday, I was given the opportunity to say no--and stick to our boundaries as have been long established--but frequently broken--by me.

Our MIP called me (casually) on Friday. I was at lunch with a friend.

"Hi Mom, what 'cha doin'?"

I'm having lunch with a friend, son; are you hungry; here I sit stuffing my face and my own son probably hasn't eaten for days? How can I help you son?

"Having lunch with a friend, son--how are you?"

"I'm doin' great, Mom. Just wondering if you would do me a favor?"

Favor? My heart begins to race--the other shoe has dropped.

"What's up son? What 'cha thinkin?"

"I get my pay check tomorrow, but it's gonna snow tonight and I was hoping you could borrow me some money so I can get some winter gear. It get's cold delivering pizzas. I'll pay you back tomorrow when I get my pay check."

Cold, my son needs warm clothes. I should encourage him. Yes, I can do this. It's only 24 hours. I want to encourage his new job. I don't want him to quit because his hands or ears are cold in this Minnesota winter. I really should do this.

"NO son; these items are part of your budget. We don't want to step back into advancing money--you are doing so well, we don't want to go back to the way it was. We are so proud of how well you are handling things."

My throat is tight as I finish the words. My son is working in the cold....he has a job for crying out loud in the night. Here you are having lunch with a friend--not really a necessity. And yet, you expect your son to freeze tonight while working....what kind of mother are you?

His words shook me from my self-doubt.

"O.K., no problem. Thanks Mom. It feels good to be doing this on my own."

Wait--what happened to the guilt by manipulation? What happened to the rage? No hang up in disgust?

I think it is time that I grow up....after all, my Miracle In Progress is doing a great job of growing up.

I said NO and lived to tell about it.

The heart racing, the distorted thinking, the restriction of my vocal chords....all in vain--unless, of course, they burned a few calories! ;)

I said NO and we both survived. What have I been so afraid of?


Allison Bottke said...

Bravo! I am so proud of you! However, the response from your MIP was empowering. What if it had not been so positive? What then? It's not always this easy to stand firm when we set boundaries. We must stay prepared for those times when it hurts to make SANITY choices. And sometimes it does. Thank you for sharing your journey with so many of us!

Dawn said...

That is awesome - on both ends! I need to get tougher, too!

Pam said...

I am so proud of both of you, and encouraged by your strength!

Just Me said...

This is awesome!I'm copying this to my girlfriend ( who I ordered the book for that you recommended!).. What is so neat to me, is hearing the response of your son - and YET...he just had to try to see if you'd fall into an old pattern! Good for you for keeping your boundaries!

groovyoldlady said...

Oh. so. hard!

I can't elaborate, but I've been there.

May God be your peace and may your MIP (love that term!) come to full maturity!