Sunday, August 19, 2007

Dear Son,



From the moment I knew of your impending birth 25 years ago, I was engulfed by a desire and commitment to love you, protect you and care for you. When you love a child, commitment plays an important foundational role in all of our actions. While most times we are compelled to act, I have learned that at other times, following through on a commitment is not easy and of late has simply been painful. I originally believed that making the commitment to "let you go" would be the most difficult decision of my life; I have since discovered that maintaining that commitment will be harder. Still, the words that you shared with us this weekend during family therapy have eased the struggle and strengthened our resolve--for we have discovered that you truly understand and have accepted the challenge that we have released into your capable hands. You wrote:

Commitment means to me that I am 100% ready to do whatever it takes to achieve the end project of my goal. Take what you like to do and put 200% into that goal, whatever it may be. Commitment is important to my recovery because I need to put 200% into making sure I take care of myself and stop putting so much worry into helping others. I know it is not bad to help people but people that are not your friends or people you don't even know and probably don't deserve it...I must stay away from!

Commitment is a very important thing in my life even though I sometimes don't show it...but no one is perfect. Commitment is confusing sometimes because if there is something that you don't want to do and it is hard to commit 100%, I don't want to do it. It is hard to commit. This is one of my problems. I have been learning a lot of tools and methods to help; like the mindfulness groups and DBT groups--ways and right times to use your wise mind, reasonable mind and emotional mind. Like, for my new medication, I was 100% committed on switching but now after taking it, I throw up every morning. I am having a hard time committing to that! But I am very committed to getting myself in the right mind and making good choices, so I am meeting up with the Doctor to see what my choices are.

Son, how proud we are of you! I cherish these handwritten words. There have been so many times over the years that I have sat in complete despair wondering if you had kept any of our life lessons in your heart; I worried they had been stomped out by the circumstances of your life. With every day, there was a growing distance between you and us; a silent gorge that seemed to tear at the heartstrings of our family. On Saturday night as I read your written assignment on commitment, I knew in an instant that a bridge of love and family remained buried deep in your heart and that you have indeed begun the journey over that great divide into your new season of independence. Real independence son, for your resolve is leading you to dependence on your own strength and wisdom. Independence afforded simply by your choice of will. I am so proud of you!

And I am so thankful for the bridge that has been reopened to your family. You have not chosen to walk this new season alone, you have chosen to include your family in this journey. You are helping us son as you begin this journey and we will do our best to walk side-by-side with you, mutually dependent upon one another as we all face the fear of the unknown, never before walked in territory of interdependence. You are so right son, no one is perfect. We will make mistakes. Yet, they will be mistakes that will be overcome by a shared commitment to "achieve the end project of your goals." I will be forever grateful that your goals include a commitment to your family.

Thank you for wanting us in your future, thank you for keeping us in your heart. I know this was no small task. And I know, how I know that I know, the work you are doing is no less difficult. You are so wise--commitment requires 100% decision but 200% effort! I am in awe of the young man you are becoming!

With love, Your Mom.

Philipians 1:6

13 comments:

Dawn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dawn said...

Oh, my word. I am in tears again as I read this post. I am so thankful that Curt is getting through this process into life once again. What a blessing! What a gift.

I LOVE that verse so much. All of Philippians, but that verse is one that kept me going through all of the process with Kevin.

Before I cried, though, I had a good laugh when I read your comment this morning. We had such a great time, but it was a lot of work. You're right - I am a bit of a reluctant traveler - cooking two meals outside was a lot of work, but it was such a treat to see all of the wildlife and the beauty, and my parents appreciated it so much. DC is the one who loves this stuff so much. I'm glad I went. Thanks for the kind comments. The camera is the best gift I ever received - I am having so much fun seeing life as a potential photograph!

You NEED to come out here, and DC and I will take you on such a day trip.

Oops - I guess I should have called or e-mailed. Didn't know I was going to write a book!

Tammy said...

Thanks for stopping by Diane and your kind words...
What a tremendous gift your son is giving both himself and you.
I haven't been reading you long, so don't know all of the history...but I can guess at some of it. And I know how much you have been there for others with similar struggles with children! Praise the Lord that He loves your Curt so very much and is working in his life!

Yellow Mama said...

Diane,

You are so right. The love for a child is so different. When they err, as a parent I felt not just rejection, but failure. I wondered why I even bothered to be a stay-at-home-mom during their growing up years. However, as I walked through the personal sense of failure and saw the other side, I realized it wasn't about me as much as it was about them. I forgave myself for what I perceived (real or false)I did or did not do as a parent. I prayed a lot and found I needed the arms of my Heavenly Father as much as they needed our love. It was like learning to love them looking through God's eyes...blessings sista

Morning Glory said...

I'm so pleased to read such joyful words from you. It seems that real progress is happening. Wonderful!

Heather Smith said...

Diane, I have gone back and read the posts for this week since I've been out of town. I am so glad that your son is progressing. I truly believe that God is going to do a great work in all of you. Thank you so much for so honestly sharing from your heart! It is so amazing to watch this miracle in progress!!

Brenda said...

Diane, you have been so faithful to encourage me, and I am so thankful for you. Your children are blessed to have such a mother.

How exciting to see our prayers being answered! Praise the Lord!

Sharon Lynne said...

I'm so happy that your son is on track with the program and open to the help and advice he is receiving. May he continue to move forward. I will be praying for him.

Lynn said...

Diane,

As your story continues and I mean your story, your family's, your son and mostly God's story, I just see miracle after miracle.

I feel your heart and hope.

Lord, Jesus, Thank you for answering our prayers. I ask You to continue to protect Diane's son from the enemy. Amen

Barb @ A Chelsea Morning said...

It's been several days since I've been here Diane, and I'm so happy to hear this news. What an answer to prayer this is. For him and for all of you.

Kelly Klepfer said...

What a blessing for a whole lot of people that you are willing to share these conversations for the benefit of others.

God will use all and He is The restorer.

And thanks for your concern about the flooding. We are protected. Soggy but grateful.

GiBee said...

Your strength simply amazes me! Praise God for all the good things he is doing right now with our son!

Chris said...

I continue to hold you and yours up in pray to our gracious heavenly father. Your blogs inspire me that there still is hope for my child.