From the moment I knew of your impending birth 25 years ago, I was engulfed by a desire and commitment to love you, protect you and care for you. When you love a child, commitment plays an important foundational role in all of our actions. While most times we are compelled to act, I have learned that at other times, following through on a commitment is not easy and of late has simply been painful. I originally believed that making the commitment to "let you go" would be the most difficult decision of my life; I have since discovered that maintaining that commitment will be harder. Still, the words that you shared with us this weekend during family therapy have eased the struggle and strengthened our resolve--for we have discovered that you truly understand and have accepted the challenge that we have released into your capable hands. You wrote:
Commitment means to me that I am 100% ready to do whatever it takes to achieve the end project of my goal. Take what you like to do and put 200% into that goal, whatever it may be. Commitment is important to my recovery because I need to put 200% into making sure I take care of myself and stop putting so much worry into helping others. I know it is not bad to help people but people that are not your friends or people you don't even know and probably don't deserve it...I must stay away from!
Commitment is a very important thing in my life even though I sometimes don't show it...but no one is perfect. Commitment is confusing sometimes because if there is something that you don't want to do and it is hard to commit 100%, I don't want to do it. It is hard to commit. This is one of my problems. I have been learning a lot of tools and methods to help; like the mindfulness groups and DBT groups--ways and right times to use your wise mind, reasonable mind and emotional mind. Like, for my new medication, I was 100% committed on switching but now after taking it, I throw up every morning. I am having a hard time committing to that! But I am very committed to getting myself in the right mind and making good choices, so I am meeting up with the Doctor to see what my choices are.
Son, how proud we are of you! I cherish these handwritten words. There have been so many times over the years that I have sat in complete despair wondering if you had kept any of our life lessons in your heart; I worried they had been stomped out by the circumstances of your life. With every day, there was a growing distance between you and us; a silent gorge that seemed to tear at the heartstrings of our family. On Saturday night as I read your written assignment on commitment, I knew in an instant that a bridge of love and family remained buried deep in your heart and that you have indeed begun the journey over that great divide into your new season of independence. Real independence son, for your resolve is leading you to dependence on your own strength and wisdom. Independence afforded simply by your choice of will. I am so proud of you!
And I am so thankful for the bridge that has been reopened to your family. You have not chosen to walk this new season alone, you have chosen to include your family in this journey. You are helping us son as you begin this journey and we will do our best to walk side-by-side with you, mutually dependent upon one another as we all face the fear of the unknown, never before walked in territory of interdependence. You are so right son, no one is perfect. We will make mistakes. Yet, they will be mistakes that will be overcome by a shared commitment to "achieve the end project of your goals." I will be forever grateful that your goals include a commitment to your family.
Thank you for wanting us in your future, thank you for keeping us in your heart. I know this was no small task. And I know, how I know that I know, the work you are doing is no less difficult. You are so wise--commitment requires 100% decision but 200% effort! I am in awe of the young man you are becoming!
With love, Your Mom.