Friday, July 27, 2007

Dear Son,

While it has been less than 48 hours since you stood in my kitchen and announced, calmly, yet, unexpectedly, that you would go to New Seasons, my heart has experienced an unexplained crash. I can only describe the feeling as grief, a profound loss over something that I have prayed would happen for nearly a decade. You are taking a step forward to care for your self--to find what has been lost for a very long time; why do I feel such sorrow?

No doubt, your feelings are conflicted, too, as you enter this new season of your life. As unexpected as your willingness was to enter a treatment facility, my feelings of loss are more shocking. As I lay in bed last night, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable position so I could retreat to my slumber, my stomach burned with a sensation so hot it could only scream, "pay attention!" Not to any physical ailment, rather, to my fear.

Son, I want you to know, I understand how difficult stepping into unknown territory really is. Believe it or not, your Dad and I have been stumbling through the last decade as if we were wearing blinders, yet, still trying to lead the way. No doubt, we have made mistakes; mistakes made in love, but mistakes nonetheless. For this, I am sorry.

Although we have prayed for a very long time for an opportunity such as this, I am just now feeling the sorrow of the loss of the little boy I once held. While I do not understand this grief, it is important for you to know it is real. As a child, even as you faced the struggles of your life, you brought joy to all who were around you. Your enthusiasm for life was contagious. Everyone who knew you came to expect your beaming smile and your relentless pursuit of joy. You were happy, Son. It was simply...just in you and your radiance shone 'round about you!

Somehow, somewhere as you continued to face the struggles of your life, someone extinguished that flame. I told you just a few days ago that my anger was real, that "someone had stolen my son and I wanted him back." Anger, yes, but why has a renewed sense of loss resurfaced on what should be a joyful day?

Perhaps it is because I have realized that as you enter this facility, you will be meeting that 'someone' will be seeing that something that has been threatening your will be re-visiting that somewhere that changed the course of your youth--as you begin this therapeutic process. Don't misunderstand, I know you can do this. The sorrow I feel is simply knowing that you must go through this painful place to rediscover the boy that was lost so long ago.

It is a mixed bag of emotions that I am feeling, my Son. The hoped-for desire that your joy will soon be restored remains. Still, knowing that the lost-years that have passed can never be redone, unleashes a grief in this mother's heart that cannot be contained. Yes, there is a loss; but not a loss filled with void; it is a loss that will lead you to success.

Not success as the world defines it, but a reward that will lead you as you once again find your purpose and passion in life. Success that will reconnect you with that little lost boy, and together you will courageously face the enemy. The enemy, the one who seeks to destroy and kill; whether it be by addictions, self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness, or deception--his arsenal is filled with lies. For far too long, we have both been believing his lies. For my part in this, Son, I am sorry.

It seems as I write to you son, I have discovered a few important clues to the answers to my own questions. It must be said that although I resisted the detachment of your journey, I have deliberately attached to the remnants I have been left with. By that I simply mean this: if I could not have that little boy all grown up, I was compelled to love the young adult who was. It's a reality check of sorts, my Son; no mother willingly walks away from a child. Yes, you are nearly a foot taller than me, but I stand firmly before you--your Mother. While it has been almost 25 years since you were born, I will forever carry you in my heart.

This is all to say, Son, the sadness I am experiencing is from the fear that has revealed--that I will lose so much more. The tears are necessary, they are unavoidable. It is like the peeling away of the layers of an onion. Oh--I know you hate onions and have probably never peeled one. If you had, you would recognize immediately the burning of your eyes, the persistant watering, and eventual 'tearing' that happens as you peel each layer away. As you peel closer and closer to the core, you find that you are all out--crying. Perhaps this new season of your journey has caused unexpected tears because you are nearing the core of your struggle. This is my prayer....for you...and for our family.

So through the tears, I want to share with you a Scripture verse I promise to pray for you each day of your journey as you continue to peel away the layers of your "onion." From the New Testament, Ephesians 3: 17-19: "so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

I am surrendering my fears and all my anxiety, my Son, to your Creator, the One whose love knows no limits. His love catches us, no matter where we fall--how wide, how long, how high, how deep is that kind of love? It is more than enough to carry us both through as we peel through the layers of emotions, anxiety, uncertainty, resistance, or doubt as you do this therapeutic work. I want you to know, my Son, that not only will we be praying for you and waiting with great expectations for your ultimate rewards, you will be covered by God's most amazing love! There is so much in store for you my Son!

May you be "filled to the measure of all the fullness of God!" Should a few tears be required to this purpose, they are tears well shed.

Your Mom


GINA said...

I cried through this entire post!

Diane J. said...

Diane, never forget that this journey is yours, your hubby's and your family's as much as it is your son's.

I can see the healing taking place in your heart through your writing, dear friend. Love you, dear heart. :-)

And deer chili is just the same as regular homemade chili using ground beef, except I use ground deer meat, or venison. Yummy stuff, if I do say so! ;-)

Love and hugs,


Linda said...

I'm praying for all of you Diane. I think there is a fear of the unknown - the fear of finally letting go - the not knowing. Your heart is so loving and tender. I pray the Lord will minister peace to you. He loves that boy - He is, after all, His precious child.
I went through a time in my life where I messed up so royally I felt as though nothing could ever possibly made right. Someone gave me the verse that speaks of God restoring what the locusts have eaten (I will have to hunt it up). It gave me hope - that what I had destroyed God could make new.
Love and prayers to all of you.

Dawn said...

I am just getting here at 8:40 p.m., as I am writing about our time together a week ago already. Much has happened in this week. I wish we could talk IRL tonight. I remember as we sent Kev down that concourse, unable to go with him, our hearts were filled with so many things. I pray that Curt is going into this new adventure with hope in his heart. I know he does not like being the way he is.

What a beautiful post, once again.

BunnyGirl said...

Diane, this post really touched my heart as I read the pain in your voice. Such deep emotions on the eve of a breakthrough with your son. I agree with Diane J that this is healing, we don't expect tears and grief to be healing but they are!.
I pray for you, your husband and your son that healing will take place for all of you and that a new joy will fill all your hearts.
Take care sister

SharonB said...

Oh Diane....this really touched my heart...

C. H. Green said...

Know that we are here for you, praying, interceding, and trusting that healing is on the way. Thank you for sharing the deep recesses of your heart with us. I just know that someday you're going to look back and rejoice!

Linda said...

Hey Diane,
I have bestowed a little award upon you. I hope you are blessed today!!

staceyhoff said...

thanks for sharing your story, Diane. You have no doubt touched many, many hearts~ not just mine.
I cried through this whole post, thinking about how hard these last years must have been for you and your husband and also of God's faithfullness towards His children! Surely, there was never a day- an hour- a minute- a second!- that He was not right there with you all, a faithful and loving God!!! I pray that God brings you, and your blog, to mind whenever He would desire to bless His people with it. Know that there are many covering you, your husband, your son- and your situation- in prayer. Let's all pray for the New Seasons staff, too.

Sista Cala said...

You and yours are in my prayers.
Keep on writing these letters. They are beautiful. They are labors of love that will bring forth much fruit.