I left the cabin yesterday morning to return home for 36 hours. Interesting what six weeks away welcomes you home to! Actually, hubby and 2nd born have kept the house reasonably clean, however, with each step across the floors, I saw the full-grown "dust bunnies" hopping! So after a thorough vacuuming and sweeping, I felt safe again to walk barefoot through my home!
I returned home to sit in on a Doctor's appointment with my son. If you remember this post, you will recall why I was motivated to leave the calm of our lake place and race the 120 miles home for this long awaited August 2nd appointment. With the exception of the tire sensor in my car relentlessly blinking at me, telling me I had a flat tire, the early morning trip home was uneventful. (Yes, I did take the car to the dealership, at which time they checked my four, fully inflated tires, checked the air pressure, and discovered that when I added air to the front, passenger side tire before leaving, I caused an imbalance of air pressure--triggering the sensor to report--telling me that something was amiss with my tires. Good grief! Why did I think I was mechanical?!?!?
The meeting between my adult son and the Psychiatrist was well-on it's way by the time I arrived. Entering the room, the Dr. looked at me like I was an intruding guest. Seems that when your child is an adult, medical personnel must treat you like your heart doesn't have any ongoing rights to your child's medical condition. Hmph! I understand privacy issues, but I'm his MOM! Actually, the Dr. actually engaged with me in a 15 minute conversation, and when I was escorted from the room, I felt I had communicated what I had hoped to share.
Leaving the Dr.'s office and heading directly to the car dealership, I thought of the many times we had been in the place before: on the doorstoop of a real answer to Curt's dilemma. I could feel real angst at the core of my soul; did the Dr. understand our need for Curt's struggle to end? Could he feel the urgency? Would he prescribe the right med's? Could he see through the chaos of Curt's life to find the underlying problem that daily, fuels the pandamonium of Curt's life? Had he heard how much we love our son and how unacceptable this pain is to us?
After a day of scheduled errands, including going to my stylist and having her fix God's one and only mistake--not creating me a REAL blonde--I returned home last night at 10:30 p.m. following a business meeting/dinner. It had been a full day; while the answers of life were not necesarily found within this 12 hour period, I was at peace, for this may be the first day of a new beginning.
Because we are loved by our Creator, isn't that what we should experience each day--newness? How had I forgotten; not just remembered, but really rested in the promise we have as children of God, that "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is [His] faithfulness. Lamentations 3: 22-23. How can I remain consumed by the trials that surround, when He is faithfully renewing His love for me, for you, for my son, each and every morning! His compassion never runs out. It is never out of balance! It does not require just the right dosage of prescribed medicine. It is new every moring!
Someone has said that the definition of crazy is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Do you do that? I DO! For this day, I am going to shake it up a bit! I'm changing my age-old perspective. I will lift my eyes from the looming darkness of this world, and I will focus on the love of our God, who renews his compassion each and every morning! Imagine, intentionally waking each morning and before your feet hit the floor, you would proclaim, "I am stepping into God's renewed love for me this day!" How have I been focusing on anything else! It seems that Marcel Proust was onto something when he said, "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."
Curt is now on a new program of medicines and will be seeing a therapist weekly before his next appointment with the Psychiatrist in six weeks. With my new perspective, I am going to share with him my new set of eyes. I fear I have been modeling treading lightly; unsure of every step, waiting for the next shoe to drop! From this moment on, I want to walk in confidence, stepping boldly into God's love. For no matter what happens, we have a fresh start, a new beginning each morning.
It is my prayer that not only will my son see the difference, he will experience this renewal. I also pray, that if your landscape has been clouded, you will see with new eyes, this day and every day forward, that as you awake, God's love is fresh, renewed, and faithfully waiting for you to discover the real voyage of discovery; a jouney not to overcome, but to triumph!
Make it a new-perspective-kind-of day! Enjoy!