Collateral Damage: Part Three

Heartstrings

Time was, when a tiny soul,
Clothed with flesh and bone
Entered my life and carved
Its image upon my heart.
What lies ahead? Asks my heart.

This is the quote I chose to display at the top of my template when I designed my blog last February. One of the most stunning awarenesses of my life has been the immediate and permanent creation of heartstrings at the birth of each of our children. Never could I have imagined that my heart would literally leap out of my mind, body and soul to touch the hearts of these precious gifts from God.

More shocking to me, was the realization that these heartstrings can be broken? Shocking? Does this statement reverberate "blasphemy?" How can a parent's heartstrings unravel; break and fray, losing it's grip of a one so deeply loved?

This seismic unraveling creates havoc in your life. At first you are not even aware it is happening. When the tremors come so fast and furious that you can not help but notice, you hide in denial. How can a parent's heart close itself to it's own child? With the ripping of each layer of the cords strength, a new vulnerability exposes itself. The wear and tear of each fray weakens the stronghold of the cords center. How much longer will the connection endure?

Collateral damage (part one and part two) not only complicates your prodigals journey to home, it wreaks havoc on your heartstrings. Even when you have a finely-tuned plan to repair and strengthen them, you can feel the ripping and fraying with each new and sadly, repeated episode. Tear by tear you begin to realize that you are losing the image that so wondrously appeared in your heart so long ago.

Coming: Part Four: Keeping the connection

Collateral Damage: Part Two

(To review Part One)

"Isolation, Alienation and Hopelessness"

According to a forensic psychiatrist on Oprah yesterday afternoon, these are the three most dangerous problems of depression. As I sat listening to this Doctor, it ocurred to me that these three feelings haunt the parent or the life of anyone who loves a prodigal. Yes, depression is a natural response to any longterm crisis, but isolation, alienation, and hopelessness are a daily struggle for those who are standing in the gap for their loved ones.

Isolation: "People just won't understand!" "No one else I know has these problems." "There's no where to go for understanding or help." How many times have I felt these thoughts at the core of my aching heart? Days go bye and I never speak out loud about the drama of my prodigals life. Weeks and months pass where extended family and life-long friends are not informed or given the opportunity to pray. As the years go bye, my world becomes smaller and smaller, putting the stress and the pressure of my prodigals life on the very family that is hurting through the process. THIS is isolation.

Alienation: Your prodigal is not invited to the usual school parties or church events, other parents avoid you, your pain is too raw for them; it's a little like death or cancer--to be around it reminds them of it's reality. And of course, there is the self-alienation that occurs--why bother going to that parents meeting, the problems your child faces won't even be addressed.

Hopelessness: As the world just keeps getting darker and darker, the thickness of that darkness snuffs out any light that tries to shine through! With every creative parenting skill, another failure. With every medical intervention, another defeat. Your logic begins to doubt it's ability to gain an understanding of the real facts of your life. When the foundation of your faith begins to crumble.....you are teetering at the gaping hole of hopelessness.

We can not underestimate the toll our prodigals journey takes on our hearts, our minds, and our souls. Living in denial only deepens our sorrow. It is a temporary aide, a short-term solution that only feeds our depression. Conversely, the hardwork of standing in the gap for our prodigals cannot be overestimated. For many, our place in prayer for their souls is their only lifeline.

For those of you who have walked in my shoes, what has worked for you when you were tempted to isolate? How did you avoid the alienation that a long-term struggle presents? What strengthened your hope and nourished your soul as you walked through the "valley" of your struggle?

(Part Three....coming) :)

Collateral Damage (Part One of ?)

When you love a wayward child your heart is torn to pieces. No matter the circumstances of your prodigal’s choices: drugs, alcohol, mental illness, jail, prison, lies or deception; each is a dart that further poisons your emotions, changing your core worldview. No matter how much hope you cling to, the day-to-day experiences of your reality chip away at the very core of everything you hold dear and sacred. Family, friends, faith—all are encumbered with the weight of your burden.

The energy required to stay connected with those around you is depleted with every misspoken word, every misunderstood conversation, and every misinformed statement of concern. Don’t misunderstand; the damage the choices your wayward child makes are clear to all who know them. It’s the collateral damage, the invisible ramifications of your prodigal's choices that weave through your heart with a vengeance; spouse against spouse, sibling against sibling, friend against friend. Perhaps the most damaging consequence is the insult of injury done to your faith.

Oh, the irony of such a statement. While you remain firmly intact, standing in the gap for your loved one, your faith falters. Questions become accusations, hope becomes despair, and your faith becomes fodder for the enemy. How long the wait, Oh Lord? I have stood on your Word, on your very Promises; where is my answer, Oh God? Why don’t you hear me? I feel so abandoned in this journey; why can’t you reach my son?

While you shore yourself up, shaming yourself for even doubting, the conflict enters another sacred area of your heart—your home. After all, who else really understands the battle you are waging? The very people who have been your life source become the enemy. No one else is safe enough to share such raw emotions. Within this state of vulnerability, each family member copes differently—while one is facing the issues head on, the other is resting in denial. While one is practicing grace, the other is unable to tolerate, yet, one more excuse. Stretched beyond reasonable limits, creative parenting exposes foundational limits of forbearance that could never possibly have been discussed in any pre-marital counseling sessions. Every attempt to reach out is squelched, receiving only shame and embarrassment for not producing solutions. With each attempt, your perception affirms: this is your battle alone to fight. This isolation causes a family in struggle to collapse on itself.

Still, no matter how certain the family is that others will not understand—after all—history has shown just that—the family needs support. This is a heavy burden to bear alone. The family spirals into a shared depression, which of course, is desperately addressed once again, by itself. Even though the prodigal’s family may be diligently trying to live in the joy of life, it is collapsing under the pressure of the collateral damage of the prodigal’s journey. Individually and corporately, the color of their world has been tainted. Short of the miracle of the prodigal's return, will the brilliant hues of their hearts ever be restored?