Mother's Day 2010

When you love a prodigal--no day is exempt from a shocking revelation that sends you back to the pit you fight to revisit.

It is a set up to believe that because the nation is celebrating motherhood, that we are protected from the pain our adult choices will cause.

It is a set up to believe that we will 'get used to' the suddenness of an unexpected and unwelcome phone call--no matter how long we have traveled this journey--when it happens again, the pit is all to ready to welcome us.

This time, I've been equipped with knowing what to do. I guess that is the beauty of experiencing this for so long.

I set the timer: At 5:00 p.m. last evening, I got into my pajamas, I took a box of Kleenex with me to my bed and I honored the grief that I felt. It was a mourning of sorts--the loss of yet another new hope that because my prodigal has been doing so well, that there would be no more stumbles.

And yet, it is by these very stumbles that my MIP will learn his own wisdom.

It was a time to practice my surrender muscle: Dear God, help me remember, he is in your hands.

It was a time of weeping, with no limits--for the timer was set for such a time as this.

It was a time to honor the love a mother feels for her adult child--no matter how old he becomes, the choices he makes--nor the consequences he must face.

I love my adult son...and I long, I NEED, for things to be different.

Yet, this is the journey we are on together--I will do what I can to remain strong on the journey.

I am committed to do this at the depths of despair or the heights of joy.

My timer has gone off and I can no longer stay in this place of despair. I have done my best as I stayed in this place of loss. I am no different from other mother's throughout the world, we may be stunned for a moment or two, but you can't keep us down!

With the ding of the timer, I am up and running today. I have honored the grief that I feel and given it it's due respect. Now, I will move forward and stay strong---stay strong for the day that my MIP returns home for his banquet!!!! I've got some planning to do!!!!

Embracing the Struggle

Jamie Inman, Marriage and Family Therapist, two time Breast Cancer Survivor and Founder and CEO of Stay in Pink, shares her personal and compelling story of triumph. Jamie has survived breast cancer twice and works tirelessly to support people who have been affected by the disease by encouraging, educating, and equipping with a uniquely personal touch. She founded Stay In The Pink in order to reach more people and to advance the cause of prevention and early detection.

How does surviving breast cancer relate to our struggle of loving an adult child whose life is out of control? Tune in to discover the transforming life lessons Jamie has discovered as she moved beyond the shock of an unexpected turn in the road to the empowering hope she now offers others who have been affected by this disease. Breast cancer hits women at the core of what it means to be attractive, feminine, and womanly. It may or may not change their looks, but it often changes the way they look at themselves. The painful challenge can be embraced as an opportunity to define self-worth based on attributes that are lasting.

Tune in to listen live today at NOON Central Time: Embracing the Struggle, Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children Blog Talk Radio

Ask Allison--May 2010

Q. I can hardly believe I am writing these words but I’ve hit a wall. My husband and I have just returned home from an attorney’s office. Unbelievably, not a divorce attorney, but a bankruptcy attorney. Hal and I have always made good money, paid our bills on time, gave to charity as we could, and tried to teach our children these same moral principles. Our oldest—a daughter is remarkably responsible with her finances and always has been. She is married, she and her husband have built a beautiful home, have good credit, and two children. Our son, age 28, is the opposite. Even as a teenager with a part time job, we were always “loaning” him “ten for gas...otherwise I can’t get to work.” He enrolled in college but keg parties took priority to studies and he dropped out, leaving us with the bill. He’s now enrolled and dropped out of college three more times, has started two failed businesses, and has fathered a child by a woman “he” supports but did not marry. He lives in a small house we bought and furnished. He promised to pay rent but it’s like pulling teeth every month! Why we’ve allowed his bills to become our bills, I don’t know. I only know we’re now about to lose everything and have been forced to file bankruptcy. Is there any hope?

A. I cannot begin my response without first telling you how sorry I am you’ve had to make this life altering step. It’s one none of us who have responsibly made our livings and paid our bills would ever want to take. But as responsible as you were with your finances, you were irresponsible with your son’s.

Your son was demonstrating a pattern in high school which should have been recognized but wasn’t. The first time he said, “Can I borrow a ten?” might have been fine, but when the second time rolled around the answer should have been, “No.” When he woefully cried, “But I’ll lose my job!” you would have said, “I hope you can get another one soon.”

While you may be thinking, “But that was more than a decade ago!” allow me to remind you that your response and reaction to your son’s negative behavior has not changed in all this time.

First, you and Hal must agree to stop the flow of money! Secondly, find out what the real estate rental laws are in your state. The next time the first of the month rolls around, and you have not received rent from your son, follow the procedures with him as you would anyone else. He may not like you for a little while, but I promise you he will thank you in the end.

I must address the issue of your grandchild, which complicates things for you, I know. While you certainly don’t want your little one doing without food or other basic necessities, you must stop paying your son’s child support. Ask yourself, “What will happen if he doesn’t pay?” The mother of his child will then make her own adult decision as to whether to take him to court or not. In the meantime, let her know you are there if anything critical should arise. Otherwise, financial support is between her and your son.

Finally, I strongly advise you and Hal to sit down and write out an agreement between the two of you, followed by an agreement between you both and your son. This should include a list of all the things you will not do for your son again. Then stick to it! Find or begin a support group (remember my SANITY method) in your area for those times when you feel yourself weakening to enable your son. Above all, allow your son to fail on his own and then to pick himself up on his own.

- Respectfully, Allison


Visit Setting Boundaries for more information the 6 Steps to SANITY and 12 Weeks to Freedom SANITY Support Group Netowrk

God Wins!

Bible Text: 2 Thessalonians 2: 1-12

"Concerning the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our being gathered to him, we ask you, brothers, not to become easily unsettled or alarmed by some prophecy, report or letter supposed to have come from us, saying that the day of the Lord has already come. Don't let anyone deceive you in any way, for (that day will not come) until the rebellion occurs and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the man doomed to destruction. He will oppose and will exalt himself over everything that is called God or is worshiped, so that he sets himself up in God's temple, proclaiming himself to be God. Don't you remember that when I was with you I used to tell you these things? And now you know what is holding him back, so that he may be revealed at the proper time. For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work; but the one who now holds it back will continue to do so till he is taken out of the way. And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of his mouth and destroy by the splendor of his coming. The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with the work of Satan displayed in all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs and wonders, and in every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness." 2 Thessalonians 2:1-12

One of my favorite memories from my Church Youth Group years (we were CA's: Christ Ambassa dors) is a drama we played out in the bowels of my small Church building.

To get a better understanding of what the Disciples must have been going through after the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ as they continued to live out His message in spite of persecution, our Youth Pastor announced that we would be meeting undercover for the next CA meeting. When I arrived at the Youth Group room that night, the room was darkened—no lights on and the blinds drawn. There was only one sign that directed the group to our secret meeting place. As I followed the Maranatha signs posted on the walls inconspicuously; I began to feel a real sense of danger walking (sometimes stumbling) through the subterranean and very musty basement of our Church.

After following a twisting and winding path, I finally arrived in a room behind the furnace room, lit only by a few candles. We had the most powerful worship service in that dusty room!

This dramatic reenactment left a powerful imprint on my faith. Throughout the oh-so-many years since being a CA, I am reminded whenever facing a life-battle, that there is also a very real spiritual battle taking place in the heavens. Our passage today describes the spiritual battle that will be ongoing until….until….until our LORD returns.

And yet, in this epistle, Paul cautions believers to not be “easily unsettled or alarmed” (v 2) by doomsday predictions. Paul assures believers that “[God] is holding [the Man of Lawlessness] back, so that he will be revealed at the proper time” (v 6). God’s power is simultaneously at work in our lives and in the heavens, for “[even though] the secret power of lawlessness is already at work; [God] will continue to [hold back] till he is taken out of the way” (v 7). God wins!

Reflection
What battles or persecutions are you facing today? Has your faith been delegated to the basement? As you read this passage today—find the hope that is present. While we live in a world that is deeply affected by the “secret power of the Man of Lawlessness” (v 7), we do not have to live without hope. God is at work in your life AND in the heavens….until…until...until our Lord returns—so trust His power. Do not be deceived by the lies of the enemy—God wins!

This devotional was written by Diane Viere/originally published in LifeLine Devotional 5/3/10